It is, of course, fundamentally selfish. Selfish to think that you, of all people, shouldn't have to put up with all this shit. Yes, you're right - this place is harsh, unjust, and ugly. No one said you'd have to deal with this. But no one said you wouldn't either. And anyone (like your cheery mother) who did say that lied.
Remember that suicide is terribly painful to others. They shouldn't have to deal with grief, guilt, and shame for generations because of your act. Suicide is more shameful, wrong as it is, in our society than murder.
If you do decide to do it, at least have the decency to do it properly. Don't merely shoot your face off, like the young man I met in the trauma ICU. Don't take just enough Xanax to spend the night in the Emergency Department, feeling more and more stupid as you slowly wake up. And don't take just enough Tylenol to damage your liver, so you can walk around yellow-eyed and swollen the rest of your life.
Suicide damages families. I know of a woman who killed herself, and the family tells each other stories about why and how, and some of them make up their own stories, and a lot of the facts don't fit, but no one mentions that. She killed herself in 1934, when my father was 16.
Don't think suicide ends it all. Nowhere near. It's an ugly start to sharing the pain that others didn't even know you were suffering. So start this way instead:
1. Tell someone - doesn't matter who as long as they know you.
2. Consider whether, as you are about to suck air into your lungs one last time, you might regret the choice. What will you do then? Nothing but die.
3. Think: no one else wants this. Only you want this. And maybe the devil. Don't give him the satisfaction.
If you believe in near-death experiences, people who've tried to kill themselves report much less satisfying experiences than others. Neutral, not joyful. I am counting on the joyful part of death myself.
I'm asking you, as someone who has seen too many people who've tried it and as someone who's contemplated it herself, not to do it. The voices that say you should are liars. The promise of ending your suffering is a lie.
So just try to go on - please.